"knowing how way leads on to way..."

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

"All I wanted to do now was get back to Africa. We had not left it, yet, but when I would wake in the night I would lie, listening, homesick for it already" - Ernest Hemingway

As my departure from Tanzania approaches, I am growing increasingly anxious. For the whole time that I have been here, I have had a strange feeling that I would be back; this was only the beginning of my time and my journey in Africa. While I still believe that to be the case, in the past couple of days I have been afflicted with a kind of paranoia – what if it is the last time I ever come here? What if I never actually make it back?

It seems a bit irrational to feel this way because reason says I should have control over my own destiny and decisions, but… I know how life tends to go… what if something comes up? What if there’s a series of events that delays my return, and suddenly years go by, commitments and responsibilities arise, and suddenly, there I am – a lifetime of dreaming, but delaying, a lifetime without Africa.

These thoughts have begun to haunt me. They even make me tear up if I think too much for too long. I feel such a connection here, to this place, to these people. It doesn’t feel foreign. I know that sounds strange, (of course maybe it’s because I’m with 16 other American college students everyday) but it honestly doesn’t even feel that alien anymore. It just feels like… life. When I first came to Tanzania, I could only see the cracks in every decrepit building, the dirt and sores on every poor child’s face, the strange looks that people gave me in the street. While I still recognize those things, I now see so much more – the purple tint of Mt. Meru at sunset, the sound of children laughing in the market, and I can feel the pulse of a continent with so much heart and soul that I feel my own might burst.

The thought of leaving and never coming back is terrifying – but it sparks an internal fire to take action to make sure that is not the case. I believe that if people really, truly and deeply want something bad enough, they will do what it takes to make it happen.

Confession: I have already been researching my return. I do have four weeks in January without school and post-graduate life offers a plethora of opportunities. I am young, I am able, I have dreams and I have initiative. It’s all the right ingredients in a recipe for return. Let’s just hope that my pictures and memories can hold me over until I get back.